If you’re not in the mood, you need to tell your partner why, and always let them know you still find them attractive.
Explaining why you aren’t in the mood can also be a teachable moment for your partner, letting them know what it is that will ignite that desire. Typically, men have more of a spontaneous desire for sex, whereas women have a responsive desire — meaning their feelings are in response to the feeling of desire. And women who aren’t in the mood may just need something to ignite that desire.
It is important for both people to be mutually responsive to each other’s needs as it helps maintain the satisfaction long after the honeymoon phase ends. In a study, researchers concluded that if one partner is interested in having sex but the other isn’t feeling it, being motivated to meet a partner’s needs can benefit both partners.
“Having sex even if you aren’t feeling a desire can trigger arousal, and then it can turn into a positive thing for the relationship.”
And if you just don’t feel like having it at all, offer a rain-check. Making a “ date” for later on will keep your partner feeling wanted and give you both something to look forward to.
It’s normal to worry that you’ve become too used to each other. But when you feel your partner no longer makes an effort it can become a vicious cycle; you stop trying because you think they have. So what should you do? It’s a common problem, but being in a long-term relationship doesn’t have to kill off the excitement in your sex life.
Remember there are lots of reasons why your partner might not want sex anymore and it may just be temporary.
- Tiredness from work or looking after kids.
- Boredom from routine sex, it is all too familiar, or your partner’s body doesn’t excite you anymore.
- Confidence (one or both of you mind) gaining weight, emotional problems between the two of you, unresolved differences in attitude toward sex, depression or a medical condition.
- Make an effort every now and then and you may find you can rekindle the passion.
- Getting in shape and feeling good about your looks will always help confidence, and self confidence is good for your sex life.
- Romantic nights in or out, getting dressed up and some nice food and wine. Make an effort like you used to.
- Try new things in bed together. Even if it feels weird at first, try and surprise your partner, and don’t lose your sense of humour.
- Don’t force yourself. Sex is not an obligation, and if you’re too tired or just don’t feel like it, it’s better to wait another day.
There may be a longstanding pattern in your relationship or you may take turns being in the mood. Either way, unequal levels of desire can cause difficulties, ranging from feelings of rejection to resentment to anger. Problems with sexual desire are the number one reason couples seek therapy. Women are often unfairly blamed for the sexual problems in a relationship But as men get to age 50 and beyond, many pull away from sex because of performance anxiety spurred by erectile and orgasm issues. “When you get into power struggles about sex… the power struggle is the poison
The best approach is honest communication Talk openly and candidly about your needs and about the discrepancies in your desire levels. Educate your partner. Lower blood flow to the genitals, combined with diminished production of both testosterone and estrogen, can make it harder for women to reach orgasm. Men should realize that research shows erectile dysfunction may be an early warning sign of heart problems. Talk openly about your doctor to find treatments for both issues if necessary. Both partners should talk about what they like to do and what makes them feel good.
Put some spark back into your relationship with these romantic date ideas.
1. Go to a pumpkin patch. It's autumn, it's romantic, and then, at the end, you get to use knives in a fun way!
2. Go on a museum date. Art! And staring at things instead of talking.
3. Have dinner and see a movie. Eating food and watching someone tell you stories is a classic for a reason.